I haven't made any 'contact' with DA for so long I can't even remember.. but, thanks to some recent positive events in my life, I'm feeling inspired once again, so hopefully I'll soon rejoin the DA community in my own minor way.
Why today? Frankly, at the moment, boredom. As usual, i woke up at 4:45 this morning to catch the 6:02 into the city, because the truly atrocious state of Auckland traffic, in particular the northern m-way into town, means that I'd rather get here 3 hours early and study (and by study I mean drink several long blacks, browse the net and read the uni magazine), than get up at a more logical time and stand in gridlock on the same 200m stretch of road for roughly 45 minutes. But, especially on Tuesdays, this often turns out to be somewhat idealistic. Here I am, halfway through my projected 3-hour study session, pages of notes in front of me and all my studious energy completely expended.
So, I guess I'll write this instead.
I got a free coffee this morning, from an Esquires place on Queen St that's open 24/7, because the barista guy was (cute and) in a particularly good mood and his boss wasnt around. I ordered a mega long black with 2 sugars, steeling myself against the $5.40 that it would set me back, and when I went to pay he waved it aside and flashed a white-toothed, olive-skinned mediterranean grin at me. Slightly patronising, but hey, free coffee! (I smiled back, but my grin is I suspect rather less appealing, especially when illuminated by the fluorescent blue light of the Esquires sign above my head...oh well!)
I mentioned in a previous journal entry a while ago that I was thinking about pursuing modeling, on the side; only at that time, I think I was aiming at plus-size modeling. Since that time, having again shrunk substantially, I think (hope) I have been left with all the necessary conditions, bone structure, long limbs, slender figure, height, to set my sights on normal modeling. In particular, I've been told I have the body type for swimsuit modeling, because even after the weight loss I'm no catwalk stick figure. But then again the photographer I went to was quick to assure me that in lingerie modelling, even the runway models "bounce when they walk down the catwalk". I'm so eager for it to go well that I'm scared to even think about it too much, for fear of becoming overly optimistic and attracting bad luck in some obscure way that I know nothing about, not being a superstitious person usually. Anyway, I took myself off to the best photographer around (I figured it should be done once but properly), and he was incredibly and (i think) sincerely optimistic. I say sincerely because his enthusiasm didn't wane after I had bought the images. The result was an expensive but very pleasing portfolio of 16 images, mostly swimsuit but with some casual and dressy ones as well, which I now plan to send to the handful of NZ modeling agencies as well as some in Australia, as soon as I find out which ones supply models to prominent swimsuit companies like Billabong and Seafolly - working for one of them is a big part of the 'dream' outcome I almost don't dare to think about! I haven't told anyone, although my current best friend does have a sneaking suspicion which he implies but refuses to phrase as a question outright, and which I, in turn, refuse to confirm outright. Everyone around me (ie those people who suggested it to me, even though i haven't told anyone myself) were quite optimistic about my chances and emphatic that I should give it a go, so in that sense, I'm daring to be optimistic. But then again, the term "bullshit industry" has been thrown around a few times in reference to the modeling world, so in that sense I am prepared for their high and picky standards and i realise that none of the people who suggested it to me come from that industry and hence from that way of thinking. In other words, they might all be wrong!
Apart from that 'project', which has been my main 'obsession' of late, my 3rd year at uni is going great. Finally, we've formed into tight-knit groups within my specialisation of 30-something students, and we've been approaching this year by means of combined brain-power and consistent group work. Which is good fun as well as much more productive.
Me and my Dream Guy who I may have mentionedbefore are still skirting around each other in the most pathetic way...looking away stiffly when we pass eachother in the hallway or atrium, but engaging in long, lingering gazes from opposite ends of the huge lecture theatre during Eng303 (he's doing mechanical, but 303 is for all 550 3rd-years together), in such a fashion that there can be no doubt in either of our minds that the attraction is there, but also that we're both too shy to do anything about it. It's a truly 'strange' arrangement. Every Monday, after my lecture, I take a seat in the Eng cafe, and he in turn shows up and sits at a table right next to the one I'm sitting at, after which we proceed to completely ignore each other. One time I was with a group in the same cafe area, and I saw him for the first time in ages, standing in the queue. I was so eager for him to acknowledge me (I saw him looking at me out of the corner of my eye), that I dragged my friend into the queue right behind him. "What are you gonna get?" asked my friend. "A...Coke," I stammered. "But you can get one from the machine!" she exclaimed. "Uuuuh....." was the most I could muster, my intentions having been completely exposed by my unsuspecting friend. Little did she know that she had inadvertently helped me, despite making me look like an idiot, by confirming for Ricky my true intentions (he looks like Ricky from American Beauty, with the eyebrows and the piercing stare), if there had ever been any doubt in his mind.
But even then, did he so much as raise an eyebrow in acknowledgement? Hunch a shoulder? Shift his weight from one foot to the other? Tilt his head slightly to show he was aware of the conversation taking place behind him? Allow a small suppressed smile to dance across his features for a split second? No! It's like the blind leading the blind. And the reason it's so very frustrating is that there is a deeper dimension to our mutual attraction - our behaviour, solitary, withdrawn, quietly confident and composed, pensive, is so alike that ours would surely be a relationship of mutual understanding requiring few words. In lectures, we both sit away from the crowd, waiting for others to approach us rather than joining in of our own initiative - although not in an anti-social way, just with a quiet inner sort of confidence that's hard to explain without giving the wrong impression. And yet, it is because of these very traits that we dance around each other so. And in the end, he'll probably settle for some nondescript fellow mechanics student, and I'll probably finally go out with my very nice but boring best friend doing civil, and we'll still be looking into each other's eyes across the lecture theatre during 303.
Now I have to go to class (it's 1.5 hours later!)
Thank you for reading, if anyone familiar is still on here